


Mutton Dressed as Lamb Vs Lamb Dressed as Mutton in an Epic Battle of Unresolved Sexual Tension

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Stark Technologies, For All Your Text and E-mail Requirements [8]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Author has mental issues, Bromance, Domestic Avengers, Drabble, F/M, Ficlet, Friendship, M/M, Texting, and a throat infection, avengers texts, bruce is a big soft pudding, clint is scatterbrained, natasha could kill you with a teatowel, steve is young and nubile, text fic, texting avengers, thor is a master hacker, tony is old as balls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 23:03:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts and e-mails from various Avengers characters.</p><p> </p><p>Thor steals Clint's phone and wonders how everyone knows it's him. Tony is worried that he's too old for Steve. Steve worries that Tony's a lamb in mutton's clothing. Bruce has a hard outer shell and a soft, gooey centre.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mutton Dressed as Lamb Vs Lamb Dressed as Mutton in an Epic Battle of Unresolved Sexual Tension

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still horribly ill (bacterial throat infection, yummy), so thanks for putting up with the mistakes in this installment. I TRIED. I coughed. I failed.

Steve, I have an important announcement to make.

\- Tony

 

So important that you’re doing it via text? Wow, just let me drop everything and I’ll give you my full attention.

\- Steve

 

What, you mean I don’t have your complete and unadulterated attention right now? What could you possibly be doing?

\- Tony

 

I mean, you’re not doing me, so it’s clearly not that important.

\- Tony

 

No, I’m not, and I won’t be for a long time if you keep making puns like that. I’m on my way to a meeting with Coulson.

\- Steve

 

It was an excellent pun and you know it. What does Coulson want?

\- Tony

 

I don’t know. Something about a team relations seminar he wants to run. What did you want?

\- Steve

 

Unless it’s a seminar on team carnal relations, I’m not interested. Oh yeah. The important announcement. Well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to have sex with you any more.

\- Tony

 

That rather counteracts your previous texts, but go on.

\- Steve

 

Yeah, I kind of ruined the context. Anyway, I’ve decided I’m not going to sleep with you any more. I’m going to Roger you instead.

\- Tony

 

Get it?

\- Tony

 

Because your surname is Rogers?

\- Tony

 

Hmph. Well, I thought it was hilarious, and I’m always right.

\- Tony

 

That’s disgusting.

\- Steve

 

Hey, it’s not my fault you were named after a euphemism.

\- Tony

 

It was a joke, Steve.

\- Tony

 

You know, I make joke and you make laughter?

\- Tony

 

Hmm. We’re going to have to work on your sense of humour.

\- Tony

 

I have a sense of humour, thank you very much. I’m just not 5 years old.

\- Steve

 

I have to go now. See you later.

\- Steve

 

Note to self: run a sense of humour seminar.

\- Tony

 

*

 

VERILY; I HAVE A TINY APPENDAGE!

\- Clint

 

OK. I think I’ve got this. Clint and Thor go out for archery practice together, Clint puts down his handbag – don’t give me that look I know you’re giving me, Barton, it’s a handbag – and Thor finds his phone.

\- Natasha

 

NO, THAT IS INCORRECT! IT IS I, FRIEND CLINT BARTON!

\- Clint

 

Thor, you know that the whole point of sending texts from someone else’s phone is to make it look like it wasn’t you, right?

\- Natasha

 

ODIN’S BEARD. HOW COULD YOU TELL?

\- Clint

 

Women’s intuition.

\- Natasha

 

But hey, the premise was there. I recommend you try another target. Next time, though, maybe lay off the capital letters a bit?

\- Natasha

 

BUT HOW WILL THEY KNOW IT IS I?

\- Clint

 

Oh dear.

\- Natasha

 

*

 

I’m having a crisis here, man.

\- Tony

 

Please don’t call me ‘man’. You’re 45 years old. What’s wrong?

\- Bruce

 

That’s exactly it!

\- Tony

 

Sorry, think I must have missed something there. Something like the actual point of that sentence.

\- Bruce

 

I am a 45 year old man, Bruce.

\- Tony

 

Well done, you’ve learnt to repeat simple phrases. You’ll be using the big boy toilet next. What’s your point?

\- Bruce

 

Bruce, I am at an age where I am medically advised to check my prostate. When I touch myself, it’s to check for lumps, not for pleasure. I am a ticking time bomb, Bruce, and it’s an explosive device made of varicose veins and hip replacements and laser eye surgery.

\- Tony

 

Oh, I see. A mid-life crisis.

\- Bruce

 

Well, given our line of work, it’s more than likely a three-quarter life crisis, seeing as I certainly don’t see myself living beyond about 50.

\- Bruce

 

Do you know how much that is helping, Bruce?

\- Tony

 

Precisely NOT AT ALL.

\- Tony

 

Don’t get too excited, Tony. You’ll burst a blood vessel.

\- Bruce

 

Oh, you can talk, Mr ‘I heard a loud noise and turned into a 10ft leprechaun’.

\- Tony

 

Well, how did you expect me to help?

\- Bruce

 

I don’t know! Maybe by reassuring me that I’m not actually a bag of wrinkles?

\- Tony

 

You’re not. Your skin is as smooth as a baby’s bottom. You don’t look a day over 50.

\- Bruce

 

BRUCE BANNER

\- Tony

 

Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Look, 45 isn’t old, all right? You still have 25 more years before you can claim a pension, if that helps.

\- Bruce

 

It doesn’t.

\- Tony

 

Maybe you should talk to Steve about this. I can see that I’m about as much use as a helium teapot.

\- Bruce

 

Yeah, I’ll just talk to my 26 year old, nubile young beau about how I’m worried that I’m actually an old man disguised as a human being. That’ll work.

\- Tony

 

Doesn’t ‘nubile’ only really refer to women?

\- Bruce

 

Bruce, you are so missing the point.

\- Tony

 

No, I’m not missing it. I’m choosing to ignore it, because you’re being ridiculous. Talk to Steve!

\- Bruce

 

I’m going to send you a helium teapot in the post as a metaphor for your usefulness as a friend and human being in general.

\- Tony

 

And I’ll serve you cyanide tea from it. Talk. To. Steve.

\- Bruce

 

*

 

HO, I LIKE TO COPULATE WITH SMALL MAMMALS!

\- Clint

 

Thor, really? Really? That’s the best you can come up with?

\- Steve

 

CAN YOU NOT READ? I AM NOT THOR, GOD OF THUNDER! I AM CLINT BARTON!

\- Clint

 

Sorry, must have got confused by the fact that you’re Thor.

\- Steve

 

NAY, I AM NOT! I AM CLINT BARTON AND I DESIRE MEN CARNALLY

\- Thor

 

I’m deeply offended by that.

\- Steve

 

OH

\- Clint

 

SORRY

\- Clint

 

‘TWAS NOT MY INTENTION TO OFFEND, FRIEND STEVE!

\- Clint

 

I was... never mind. Look, I can’t really talk right now, but maybe we could all meet up later for shawarma? Agent Coulson thinks that would be a good idea. Hopefully see you soon, Thor!

\- Steve

 

CLINT.

\- Clint

 

Fine. Clint. Who’s going to hurt you, by the way.

\- Steve

 

BY THE WING OF ODIN’S RAVEN, I AM HE!

\- Clint

 

See you soon. Probably with an arrow through your head.

\- Steve

 

*

 

Why is everyone else on this team an actual child?

\- Steve

 

I don’t know. I often wonder that. I’ve been thinking of applying for babysitting jobs in the city. God knows I have enough experience.

\- Natasha

 

I’ve had two people text me about penises today. That’s at least one more than usual.

\- Steve

 

Thor, right? Masquerading as Clint? And I guess I don’t need to ask who the other one was.

\- Natasha

 

Right on both counts, but the latter isn’t in the context you’re thinking of.

\- Steve

 

Want to tell me what the context is?

\- Natasha

 

You’ll laugh.

\- Steve

 

Probably.

\- Natasha

 

Well, at least you’re honest. It’s just... I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes it feels an awful lot like I’m dating a child.

\- Steve

 

That’s illegal in at least 50 states, Rogers.

\- Natasha

 

I know. I’m Captain America.

\- Steve

 

Talk to him. That’s the problem with you two. You never talk.

\- Natasha

 

Oh, you can talk!

\- Steve

 

I can, and frequently do, unlike someone I know.

\- Natasha

 

No, what I mean is this: remember that time you didn’t talk to Clint for 6 months and he thought you were dead?

\- Steve

 

It’s all in the past.

\- Natasha

 

It was about 2 weeks ago.

\- Steve

 

We’ve moved on.

\- Natasha

 

He still cries about it when he’s drunk.

\- Steve

 

You deal with your relationship, Rogers. I’ll deal with mine.

\- Natasha

 

I mean, Jesus Christ, what am I? A babysitter? An agony aunt? I thought I was an assassin, for God’s sake.

\- Natasha

 

It’s OK. I just thought of fifteen different ways I could kill you with a teatowel. I feel a lot better now.

\- Natasha

 

That’s great to hear. I’m just going to go and hide from you now.

\- Steve

 

*

 

I CRY DURING COPULATION

\- Clint

 

No you don’t.

\- Bruce

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW, FRIEND BRUCE? ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH FRIEND HAWKEYE?

\- Clint

 

Oh, sorry. I didn’t even read who it was from. It was kind of obvious it was you.

\- Bruce

 

No, I have not slept with Clint. Jesus. No.

\- Bruce

 

Why do you have Clint’s phone?

\- Bruce

 

I AM PLAYING A MERRY PRANK UPON OUR FRIENDS!

\- Clint

 

I see. How has it gone so far?

\- Bruce

 

POORLY.

\- Clint

 

I MAY CONCEDE DEFEAT. I AM NOT DESTINED TO PLAY THE ROLE OF ANOTHER.

\- Clint

 

Don’t worry about it. There’s nothing wrong with having a distinctive personality.

\- Bruce

 

IT IS WHAT I ALWAYS ADMIRED MOST ABOUT MY BROTHER. AS CHILDREN, WE WOULD PLAY TRICKS ON OTHERS. HE COULD FOOL EVEN OUR FATHER. HO, WHAT FUN WE HAD! I WAS FOOLISH TO THINK I COULD EMULATE THOSE DAYS.

\- Clint

 

Look, all is not lost. Come home and we can partake in the glory of one another’s bodies.

\- Bruce

 

I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SPEAK THUS

\- Clint

 

I FIND MYSELF WISHING YOU WOULD CONTINUE

\- Clint

 

Oh, don’t be silly. You’ve heard me speak thus on many an occasion, big boy. Now come home and disrobe me.

\- Bruce

 

WOULD I BE REQUIRED TO DISROBE ALSO?

\- Clint

 

It would make proceedings far less complicated if you were to do so, yes.

\- Bruce

 

I WILL BE THERE IN TEN OF YOUR MIDGARDIAN MINUTES

\- Clint

 

BUT I WILL NOT BE DISROBED

\- Clint

 

EACH TIME I HAVE DONE SO IN A PUBLIC PLACE, I HAVE BORNE THE BRUNT OF MANY AN ANGRY MOTHER

\- Clint

 

Make it five minutes.

\- Bruce

 

*

 

I’ve been told I have to talk to you.

\- Steve

 

Who told you that? Coulson?

\- Tony

 

Natasha, actually.

\- Steve

 

Ah. Didn’t think you’d do it of your own accord. You seemed pretty pissed off with me.

\- Tony

 

I was.

\- Steve

 

Am, really.

\- Steve

 

Well, that’s a reassuring entrance to a conversation. I’ve been told I have to talk to you too. By Bruce.

\- Tony

 

But you go first.

\- Tony

 

Look, I don’t really want to make it into a big fight or anything. I know it’s a part of who you are and it’s something I have to deal with, but you know, sometimes I just want to be able to say that I’m dating someone who’s as mature as I am. Sometimes I worry that I’m too old fashioned for you.

\- Steve

 

What

\- Tony

 

Oh, darn. Please don’t make me say it again. It was hard enough trying to put it into words once.

\- Steve

 

No, but really, what

\- Tony

 

‘As mature as I am’? I’m about as mature as it gets. On the cheddar scale, I’m so mature that I make gums bleed.

\- Tony

 

Are you saying that you’re old?

\- Steve

 

No, no. I’m saying that I’m 45 years old and I have grey temples and so many laughter lines that it looks like I live my life on Conan O’Brien. Of course I’m saying I’m old. I AM old.

\- Tony

 

So essentially, my problem is that you’re immature, and your problem is that you’re too mature?

\- Steve

 

It looks like that’s the way it is, yeah.

\- Tony

 

When you put it like that, it’s sort of ridiculous.

\- Tony

 

You’re an idiot.

\- Steve

 

I’M an idiot.

\- Steve

 

We’re both idiots, yay. Can we kiss and make up yet?

\- Tony

 

Do you promise to stop making terribly childish puns about sex?

\- Steve

 

Nope. Do you promise to stop being all young and strapping and terribly attractive?

\- Tony

 

No. Looks like we’re even. I’m done here in 10. Shawarma?

\- Steve

 

You beautiful man, I’m ravenous.

\- Tony

 

And then afterwards we can do things ‘stark’ naked!

\- Steve

 

Oh Steve. You’re the mature one in this relationship. Leave the childish remarks to me.

\- Tony

 

I think I will in future. I blushed like a dame at a rodeo trying to think of that.

\- Steve

 

On second thoughts, I’m not hungry at all. Come here and we can discuss your idea further.

\- Tony

 

*

 

BANNER.

\- Clint

 

Yes?

\- Bruce

 

I am never leaving my phone out of my sight again. The things I have seen in my inbox, Bruce. No man can live with what I’ve read.

\- Clint

 

‘Partake in the glory of one another’s bodies’? I vomited up meals that I’d forgotten I’d eaten, Bruce. I was as sick as a dog with ‘flu.

\- Clint

 

Oh no, really? That definitely wasn’t my intention or anything. No.

\- Bruce

 

What kind of a man are you?

\- Clint

 

Certainly not the sort who helps Asgardian demi gods play pranks on their friends by making them throw up. No. Not that kind of a man at all.

\- Bruce

 

Oh, I get it. I totally see where you’re coming from.

\- Clint

 

You do?

\- Bruce

 

Yeah. Thor goes all mushy about how he can’t play pranks on anyone, you decide to help him because he’s all sad and shit about his brother. You, my friend, are a massive softie. I bet you cry during sex and snuggle afterwards.

\- Clint

 

If you check your sentbox again, I think you’ll find that it’s you who does that.

\- Bruce

 

I’m going to get my girlfriend to show you who’s boss.

\- Clint

 

*

 

I just wanted to apologize for being rude to you the other day. What I said to you about your relationship with Clint was out of order. I had no right to tell you how to manage your own relationship. I’m really sorry. Thanks for the advice, by the way. I think we’ve patched things up, me and Tony. Sorry again. See you soon.

\- Steve

 

BY ODIN’S WISDOM, I THANK THEE MERRILY FOR YOUR APOLOGY, FOR I AM NATASHA!

\- Natasha

 

Sometimes I wish they’d never unfrozen me.

\- Steve

 


End file.
